Perfect (Not!) Love
a lifetime recipe
The first time I saw my husband Cupid’s arrow struck with volcanic accuracy, which is to say love exploded over me, hearts raining down in abundance. He was everything I dreamed of, adorable in a Dudley Moore/Paul McCartney kind of way, artistic and musical, and witty as hell. But the way I felt about my husband when he was my boyfriend is completely different from how I feel now. When we were dating my love for him was hot sauce, flying, and a raging fire all at once. After we were married a few years my love deepened into red wine, dense forests, and midnight. Over the years it’s changed again. Now it’s more like fields of flowers, thunderstorms, high mountains, massive waves, and vast space—my arms spread as wide as they will go.
Marital love isn’t anything I thought it would be. And (who knew!) it changes over time.
Love isn’t flowers.
Love isn’t candy.
Love isn’t hugs and kisses, although these things might spark love.
Love isn’t poetry.
Love isn’t serenades, candlelight or chocolate. Although these things might encourage love.
Love isn’t moonlight.
Love isn’t gifts.
Love isn’t sex. Although these things might help love grow.
Figuring out how to make a relationship last is different for every couple. Reading articles and books, plus marital therapy will help, if a couple needs it, but nothing beats a desire to make a marriage work. I don’t mean desire in a sexual sense, I mean a conscious desire to keep a relationship healthy. Desire is fuel for many of life’s passions—the arts, business, gardening, showing dogs, anything close to your heart. Desire keeps a couple connected when life overwhelms them with illness, money problems, and family stress. When each person in the relationship is committed to forever, compromise becomes key. Mix in respect, forgiveness, and a good dose of humor, and the scales tilt in a couple’s favor. At least, this is how it has worked for me and my husband.
But this recipe took a long time to craft. Years of testing and failing, fights and tears finally yielded the perfect brew. “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” so the advertisement said, but it takes an even tougher team to create a tender love. It’s work. And sometimes it’s hard work. And the results aren’t perfect. Myths and stories talk about young, passionate love because everyone can relate to it: everyone gets a rush in the beginning. The tales of Romeo and Juliet and Pyramus and Thisbe are high drama and romance, but what if their stories were allowed to end happily? If they got married and the families grudgingly agreed to be friendly and meet for their first family holiday? Everything was fine during the main course, but, oops, father Montague made a snide comment about Mrs. Capulet’s ostentatious dress, and a fight ensued. Would the Montagues and Capulets draw swords on each other over pudding and posset? How would sweet Romeo and Juliet deal with their family drama?
Life is messy.
But falling in love is a blessing. It somehow neatens all the messiness. Or at least makes the messiness bearable. It’s a garden of roses, perfect in its need to be tended. The colors and scents ripen into a mellow sweetness I never expected. I could’t quite imagine this kind of love when I was eighteen. And no wonder. This kind of love has to be lived, experienced. It deepens its shade because it is truly life’s blood. The cliche love conquers all, when thought about in its truest sense is the most profound set of words ever uttered by the human tongue. Inherent in the word is patience, trust, forgiveness, understanding, help, tolerance, support, and others I’m sure I’m missing. It’s a huge word.
Since February is the month of love, let’s honor the different kinds of love surrounding us: neighborly, friendly, family, and of course, romantic. Each stage of love is a season of life, and each person we love teaches us something about ourselves. Stinginess and love cannot occupy the same space. What I love about love is it grows as you give it. And it’s meant to be given in armfuls.
Wishing you all love in its many shades and seasons!
Until next time,
Jan
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